Living Life in the Wide Open Spaces

I learned some very disturbing information today about one of my children.  Now, my children know that I am adamant and relentless about honesty in our relationship; in every way.  They hear me say things like, "you're only as good as your word", my daughter says "liars go to hell" which is kind of harsh.  I've always been adamant about telling the truth and having the truth told to me.  So, to hear that I've been lied to for years by any of my children is so heartwrenching I can't even begin to put it into words. 

Although the information I learned today was disappointing for me, it's so much more disappointing for me to find out about the lying.  If you're going to venture out and do something against what your parents advise, by all means at least have the "balls" to admit it.  But to live a lie and keep guilt and shame inside of you, is unfathomable.  I feel sorry for the torture my child has put themselves through living this lie, proclaiming to be something they are not; for what reason I'm not sure.  What I found out today, explains so much about their behavior and issues, per se, and why certain circumstances which I just couldn't understand are totally understandable now.  It's like a light has been shown in a dark place, but unfortunately not for my child.  I'm not sure at this point, I can discuss this with them; I'm not sure I can handle if they continue on in their lie and tell me "you're crazy, who told you that, that's not true, how could you believe them over me," blah, blah, blah.  Because the thought of having them continue in the lie is so much more great than actually being told by someone else. 

But, I'm not sure that I can carry this weight; the weight of knowing I've been lied to, things are not as they seem.  It will be hard for me to look at my child, speak with my child, spend time with my child, knowing there is this chasm between us that was put there when my child decided to lie to me and continue living the lie.  I could have gone on in oblivious wonder had someone not "enlightened" me about this issue.  But now that I know, I know.  It kind of makes me mad at the person that told me; which is kind of ridiculous in a way, but they have their own part in this story.  I want to cry because my heart hurts, this seems to happen a lot to me lately as a mother.  I desire the best for my children and on both parts, this is not your finest moment.  Oh, one of you can count it as "just a mistake" and the other one can act like it just never happened. 

The only thing that comes to mind is that old gospel song that says, "where can I go, but to the Lord."