When My Soul is in the Dumps.

Psalm 42 - Seek after the Lord.  He can be found everywhere in everything. 
The Message reads
1-2: "A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek, I want to drink God, deep thoughts of God.
I'm thirsty for God alive. I wonder 'Will I ever make it - arrive and drink in God's presence?'"

I want my soul to crave only you, God, to be consumed by thoughts of you, songs to you, praise to you, to exist non-stop in your presence.  Oh, but wait, I don't want the pain, sickness, affliction, depression, trials or tribulations, especially physical ones, that bring me to that place of presence.  Why can't I just exist in Your presence?  Without all that heart ache.  Is it my heart ache, illnesses, depression and neediness that keeps me seeking your presence? Do I really have the discipline to seek you everyday without all those things that draw me into Your presence - but I'm not sure I do and in all honesty - I don't think I do.  Dang it!

3-4a:  "I'm on a diet of tears - tears for breakfast, tears for supper.  All day long people knock at my door, Pestering, 'where is this God of yours?' These are the things I go over and over, emptying out the pockets of my life."

That's a pretty funny choice of words - emptying out the pockets of my life.  I can actually sit here with tears streaming down my face - smiling.  God you have such a sense of humor.  My pockets are empty.  I knew this day would arrive - no one goes unscathed in an economic recession especially if you had severe money issues to begin with; that happens when your father only showed love by giving you money.  I have a house, a couple of old cars and a whole lot of "invaluable" stuff left and I'm not sure how long I'll have the house.  But through this "pruning", there are things that I welcome, like "cutting" the apron strings with my children, I mean solely financially.  My husband would use different terminology that has to do with nursing mothers but personally it really irritates me and pisses me off when he says it.  But, let's move on.  They are 26, almost 24 and the child I chose is 22.  They are adults, they make money, well 2 of them do, they should be paying their own insurance, health and car, their own medical bills, their own phone, their own way to the movie, their own coffee, etc.  I used to think I don't care if I pay for everything, if I get to spend time with my kids.  It made perfect sense to me, but here is the thing, I never anticipated not having money.  I think this behavior was codependent on my part, and now that I don't have money, I'm lonely, they have found other things to do which I'm sure they are spending their own money to do.  I'm OK with that, it's all part of growing up, maturing, becoming your best person and I am, OK I'm not, but I am being molded and shaped by my God in the process and that is always a good thing.  Also, my children are growing up, maturing, coming out of themselves in the process.

4b:  "I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, right out in front, leading them all, eager to arrive and worship, Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving - celebrating, all of us. God's feast."

Yes, there are times when life seems wonderful, amazing, glorious, it's easier to praise and celebrate in someways - you seem to have more that you're thankful for - at least on the surface.  I'm beginning to understand, and I emphasize beginning  Romans 5:3, 4: "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character and character, hope."  I still have a long way to go - I'm not jumping up and down for joy in my poverty but God brings beauty from ashes and that's pretty much all I feel like I'm holding onto at times. 

5-8: "Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God - soon I'll be praising again.  He puts a smile on my face. He's my God. When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you.  From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, including Mount Mizar. Chaos calls to chaos, to the tune of whitewater rapids.  Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers, crash and crush me. Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer!"

Does that means God sings to me - I like that picture - He lullabies my soul.  I don't know about "my life is God's prayer."  My first thought is well, He should keep praying, because I just don't see that yet.  I know He's God and all, but I'm just saying - I think I have a long way to go to reach "my life is God's prayer". 

9-11: "Sometimes, I ask God, my rock solid God, 'Why did you let me down? Why am I walking around in tears, harassed by enemies?' They're out for the kill, these tormentors and their obscenities, taunting day after day, 'where is this God of yours?' Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God, soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God."

So in the midst of all the world brings: heartache, chaos, loss, confusion, depression, stress, strife, despair - I put my hope in You, O God, the author and finisher of my faith. May you be my warm blanket through the night and the night of day and may my dreams be from you and about you, may you be my rising up, my welcoming of the day, my hope in the day, my compass for life and my laying down.  Regardless of how I feel, physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally, I choose you. Psalm 37:25:  "I have been young and now I am old (ouch), yet I have not the seen the righteous forsaken.  I choose you in life, with all of its ups and downs and I will choose you in death.  You are my God, in You shall I trust all the days of my life and I lay it all at Your feet.  Prune away, that my life will prop you up so that others will see You and not me that You may be glorified.